Reader Email: What Yesterday’s Asshole Of The Day Really Meant

Reader Email from Jeff:

Dear (insert name here):

How are you lately?  I’m extremely lonely and the hair gel I bought from Pauly D isn’t working out too well.  Because I have not seen a vagina in person since the Mets had a winning record I was hoping you would take one for the team. No one has to know.  I swear I will only tell my guy friends who will then tell everyone and then those people will still act like they have no clue.  I know you always have some sort of drama in your life but I can deal with that if I’m getting sex for it.  There has always been something about you.  It might be the phenomenal tits you have.  I’ll try not to be too much of a creeper by telling you that I’ve had a crush on you since kindergarten in hopes that you won’t be able to see through the bullshit.  Let’s be real though.  The odds of that happening are about as good as Michael J. Fox winning a sharpshooting competition.  Don’t take all of this the wrong way.  I’ve just never had the balls to actually ask you to come home with me after the bar because I knew I had no shot.  I still don’t have the balls to tell you in person.  After some Jagerbombs, lemon drops, and a few cosmos though I did muster up enough to try a half assed booty call through Facebook so I deserve some kind of credit right?  I can last almost 20 minutes when I jerk off so I have hopes that I can last at least 5 if I got you drunk enough to actually have sex with me.  Like I said before, only my friends would know but they’ll act like they don’t.  I’m actually wrong about that too because Tony or Gio would call you out the first time they saw you at the bar.  Please let me know if I have any shot in the world.  From what I hear you’re great in bed and there is a good chance I have a bigger penis than 25% of the guys you’ve slept with.    If this message doesn’t work I’ll send another one and spell never like “neva” so I sound cooler but I’m really just a tool.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Well said Jeff, well said. I also like your Michael J. Fox comparison, those jokes never get old. 






















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