Hey ESPN Get Jim Tressell Off My TV

Enough with this guy already, we know all about it by now…

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/columns/story?columnist=forde_pat&id=6607408

Alright yes we get it, Jim Tressell fucking resigned now get him and his sweater vests off my goddamn TV. I’m sick of hearing about this shit already. Every big time college football player in the country gets benefits and sells shit, how do you expect them to have any fucking money when they have no time to work. All they do is eat, breathe, and sleep football. They need to have a way of getting some sort of money. Now with all that being said, get this fucking guy with his dumb face and dumb glasses off my screen before I put a bat through it. Enough is enough.

Sidenote: Give it two weeks until the Urban Meyer rumors start swirling as his replacement. Notice how I said rumors because that’s all they will be.

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Pool vs Beach

A post by Quite Frank-ly:

I had an idea for this and Im bored so i figured i write

Since it was just Memorial Day Weekend (MDW for you lazy pricks) and the unofficial kick off to summer I figured I would lay out the pros and cons of the beach and pool.
First let me say I am not a beach person. I’ve been to some very nice beaches in the Caribbean and Florida.  Most of my beach experiences have been in the lovely clean aired state of New Jersey.  The beach is good for relaxing and staring at slutty girls in barely anything,  but to me the negatives outweigh this.  The beach has sand, it gets everywhere; in your food, in your drink, eyes, and your fucking ass.  That’s annoying if you ask me.  The ocean is a pain in the balls too. I mean when Im in the water I like to relax, not get trounced around by a wave every 30 seconds and end up 25 feet from everyone else I was with.  The pool has it all.  There’s no sand (unless your a loser hippy who puts sand in their backyard because you think it’s cool) and there are no waves.  And let me tell you if you want a drink I open the door and don’t get overcharged or hassled by gay cops wearing shorts that are a little too high.  If I’m hungry, I fire up the BBQ and make myself a burger.  If you have to pee, please see drink.  As for the most miserable part of going to the beach, the ride home.  Sitting in a sandy, salty, sticky bathing suit in a crammed hot car in traffic is about as enjoyable as jerking off with sandpaper. When I’m done with my pool session I walk upstairs and shower 1,2,3.

To me it’s obvious the pool is the shit and the beach is, well, shit.  But since most people just do what everyone else is doing and God forbid they miss out on anything they will say the beach is better.  People who say they love the beach, when I lay out these negatives you can kind of see that look in their eye like, “Ya know what? You’re fucking right,” but they will never admit it because on Staten Island or New Jersey not liking the beach is frowned upon.

As for those people who are at the beach 3 times a week, get a job and enjoy the Melanoma.

Highlight Feature Of The Day: 18 Hours At The Jersey Shore

Steve The Hammer:

While I was off this weekend I decided to take a little road trip with Stewie down to the Jersey Shore. Let me tell you, the build up for this blog was intense, everything I saw I just kept getting reminded of the ammunition that I was getting at that point in time.

First, we get there and there are more dudes walking around with no shirts than at a fucking Chippendale’s. Like yeah I know it’s a beach town but its 5:30 at night, the strong sun is gone, put a fucking shirt on now. Then at my friend Tim’s house I was introduced to a bracket of every girl that gets slammed in the house. It was the first weekend and they had six girls up already, not too shabby so far. Also, the house practiced safe sex as they had a bowl of condoms sitting on a table in the living room. Nice job guys, way to always be thinking.

Then we walked to the establishment known as Djais, which was like down the block from the house. Our whole reason for going early was to get a stamp so we didn’t have to wait in line later. However, on the way there we got a bit caught up with some giant asshole who was passed out on the fucking lawn in the fetal position. Guy it’s 6:45 at night, how are you passed out already? Either take it easy on the drinking, or step your game up. You can’t be passing out early letting everyone know how much of a lightweight you are. If you can’t take the heat, stay the fuck out of the kitchen bro.

We finally get to the bar for the stamp and the line isn’t moving. These people are complete assholes because I caught on to what they were doing. They make you wait in line until you’re semi-sober that way you want to keep buying drinks when you come in. It’s smart, but it’s still a jerkoff move. Speaking of jerkoff’s, the sun was just about going down when we were waiting in line. I saw about twenty jerkoff’s wearing sunglasses like it was 12 in the fucking afternoon. Are you guys kidding with that? It’s pretty much nighttime, you’re going inside, there’s no need for sunglasses. Please get a fucking clue next time; everyone is making fun of you.

What went on between the stamping and going back to the house to drink I really couldn’t tell you because time kind of stood still. I just know I was doing haircuts in a kitchen and getting hammered. We then go back to the bar around 10 o’clock and for some odd reason I was wearing a fedora hat. It wasn’t planned; I was just drunk and kept it on because my friends all told me to keep it on. This turned out to be awesome advice because apparently women love fedora hats.

I had written something a while back about the secret of the hat and this was the same exact situation. Girl’s love taking the hat off your head and dancing with you, I don’t know what the reason is, but it’s great if you’re the guy wearing the hat. It was overly successful in getting a girl to dance with me and I’m not going into more detail. All I will tell you is that you need to rock a fedora hat out. That’s all the advice you get in that department, you’ll just have to trust me.

Sleeping on a rug that had empty water bottles and cheez-it bags all over the place wasn’t very pleasant so I moved to a recliner chair. I’m pretty sure they use the same recliner chair as a form of torture for prisoners of war over in Iraq. I would have been more comfortable sleeping on a bed of nails than that fucking chair. When all was said and done, I slept for a total of 2 hours before I got woken up by some asshole talking about how he was still legally drunk so he couldn’t drive to his baseball game. Let me tell you, you’re the fucking man bro. Go back to sleep.

The best part of the whole trip was what I saw going on across the street when I was leaving the house to go to the beach. Some fucking guido was shirtless and jumping rope in his driveway. As if that wasn’t enough he also had the Italian flag draped over his front porch. First of all, go to the gym asshole, no one wants to watch you jump rope in your fucking driveway. Secondly, get the fucking Italian flag off your front porch. We all know you’re Italian and we all know you’re a guido; jumping rope shirtless in your driveway tells us that so there is no need for you to try and drive the point home. Please grow up; you’re like 28 years old. It’s time to get a life.

Finally, we show up at Long Branch beach to avoid the guido’s and jerkoff’s over at Belmar. I have a bone to pick with you Long Branch motherfuckers. One, you charge fifteen fucking dollars to park and then seven dollars to get on the beach. That’s twenty-two dollars just to show up. Then you have expensive and fancy shit all around but your bathroom might as well be a fucking prison cell. Get some new bathrooms; if I’m paying twenty-two dollars just to get there, you should at least have a nice place for me to piss. No, I don’t pee in the water, that’s fucking gross.

All in all, the weekend was pretty successful. Stewie and I got housed, had an awesome time and we were even successful in the female department. You don’t get details on that because that’s not my style. But anyway, if you end up at the Jersey Shore you should have a good time. If not, you can easily make your own fun. Head down for a weekend, it won’t disappoint.

Asshole(s) Of The Day Award

We have a shared award today in our lesson of how not to start a bonfire…

http://www.wyff4.com/r/28079081/detail.html

Just starting your usual Memorial Day Bonfire by pouring some gasoline on it. What the fuck is wrong with you people? You don’t throw gasoline on a fire, have you ever seen Zoolander? That is just asking for everything to go wrong. So you end up injuring 4 people and almost burnt down an entire forest. Just a prime example of genius at its finest. But once again I am not surprised. It’s people like you asshole’s that make me think you should need a license to reproduce children.

The Return Of Johnny Baseball

Johnny Baseball Is Officially Back In Town…

Well well well, guess who’s back? Johnny Baseball thats who. It’s been a while but i’ve finally finished school and finals this week and you know what time it is? Time to go on a rant…

So here are a few things over the past few weeks that have really got me goin here:

Hey Subway…Welcome to the Johnny Baseball Boycott/Blacklist bro, did you really basically give me food poisoning and make me throw up before my final and in turn basically fail me? YUPPPPPP…Along with Moe’s, Subway will be boycotted maybe not for ever, but for an extended period of time. So how about this, you get some real meats and cheeses and change your whole setup you got over there cause from now on this kid ain’t buyin…Sorry.

Secondly…Nick Swisher…COME ON BRO..where in the hell did you grow up playing baseball? Im a Mets fan but my mother and brother and Yankee fans so the games are always on but come on dude…do you really have to laugh everytime you strike out? (which is often cause face it you suck and had 1 good year in your career). If I would’ve laughed after striking out as a kid I would’ve either gotten smacked in the face or my ass sat down on the bench. How about you take the game seriously for a few innings pal. Look at when other real players strike out. Pedroia throws his helmet and beats a cooler and your laughing? Grow up and I’ve seen him do this more than once. You weren’t laughing when Franklin Guitierrez robbed your ass of a homer last week right?…Because that’s the only thing important to the Yankee organization I guess…homeruns.

And last but not least, The Mets. I would really love to know the plan of action here for the Mets like…WTF ARE THEY DOING?. The future looks so dim…it’s like getting on a train that’s going into a dark tunnel, and that tunnel is goin straight to fucking hell. Please before Beltran and all these guys get hurt…trade them….If you’re going to get rid of all of them now just fucking do it and end the sorrow so I can stop watching…The Mets are slowly but surely going to be added to the Johnny Baseball Boycott/Black List.

And also with these barrelling the catcher rules….WTF WOULD YOU LIKE THE RUNNER TO DO? Stand there and say okay fine the ball beat me there you can tag me out…if the MLB passes a rule for no barrelling over the catcher I probably won’t watch baseball anymore. Because thats the problem with this country and everything in it..WE GOT SOFT. The NFL…you can’t even touch the QB…NBA, let’s not even go there. NHL, no fighting? Let’s be real here people. It’s sports…theres contact…and the Mets suck.

This Week’s Bar Review

Myself and Quite-Frankly will be giving Bar Reviews starting this week and every week from now on. This week we have a joint on Staten Island. Here we go…

Quite-Frankly’s Review

Welcome to the first ever Bar Review.  Our first review will be of a local Staten Island bar, KJ’s Ale House.  Now to the local Staten Islander, the normal attendees of this joint are nothing we haven’t seen before.  To the outsider (God bless you) this place is filled with absolute goons.  Dudes watched a Miami Heat Chicago Bulls game like they are die hard fans, trying to start chants.  Umm, go home.  Have a few more drinks and go drive home.  Hopefully you dont make it home or you get a DWI or something.  As for the chicks, there’s a few cuties walking around.  However, they are as stuck up as you can imagine.  They walk around like they are fucking some billionaire.  Listen, honey get your nose out of the air.  Your guy is 28 years old, lives at home, makes 25 grand a yr, and acts like he is 18 years old.  That is not the recipe for a stuck up chick but the recipe for a chick who gets beaten.  Since I went on a little bit of a rant, I’ll get back to the bar.  The bar itself at this place is way way way to big.  It bellies out and cause a shit show when your trying to leave.  Prices aren’t too bad and on Tuesdays the bartender flips a coin if you get it right you get a free drink.  But then again, what the fuck are you doing out on a Tuesday on a regular basis anyway?  Not exactly the type of place I understand. Friday Saturday, I get;  Monday through Thursday and Sunday stay home go to bed and wake up in the morning scrubs.

Pros – $3.50 beers, free drink on a correct coin flip
Cons – Clown show, cramped, big night is a Tuesday

Rating – 10 ………………… out of 100

Steve the Hammer:

Staten Island’s KJ’s Ale House, an establishment I would like to forget. First things first, shrink the bar so there is more room for people to move around. You have about five feet of space if you want to move from the front of the place to the back of the place. Give me a break. Secondly, the place is jerkoff central. Between the people yelling at the TV starting chants rooting against Lebron and the asshole juice heads staring everyone down I wanted to throw a fucking grenade inside on my way out. The only good thing was that it was a Tuesday and you could win a free beer with a coin flip. Wow thanks, it’s a fucking Tuesday, you would think the 25 year old guido’s would have work the next day; but they’re just using their unemployment money on going out. I might go back if I’m extremely bored and have nothing else to do, but I wouldn’t count on it. I would rather sit at home and watch porn by myself than stand around inside that fucking place. And the last thing I hate about the place is that 85% of the people there LIVE to go there on Tuesday nights. They talk about it from the Wednesday before all the way to the anticipated big night. Time to grow up people, get a fucking job. Then again, I’m doing this for no money so I guess we’re in the same boat. I just don’t live to go to a shitty ass bar on a Tuesday, you do. That’s where we’re different.

Pro’s: Coin flip for beers.

Cons: Jerkoff Central, and it’s too small to move when crowded.

Rating: 2 out of 10…and I’m being generous.

Fireside Chats Season Finale

Here is the Fireside Chats Season Finale. The good news is that we have just found out that we will be picked up for a second season and we have a contract to double our episodes from 5 to 10. Season two will start right after Labor Day. Hope you enjoy the Season One Finale and once again any feedback is appreciated. For any other questions email hammer41blog@gmail.com and don’t forget about our Hammer41 & Associates facebook fan page as well as our twitter page at thtalkofthetown. So here it is, hope you enjoy.