And The New York Jets Select…

A criminal?

http://www.rotoworld.com/player/nfl/6610/kenrick-ellis

Kenrick Ellis is facing felony assault charges and could end up in jail. A lot of guys in the NFL go to jail then come back and play. The only problem is he can go to jail for 20 years, which would mean that he’ll never play in the NFL. I chuckled a little bit when I saw this, but hey at least they didn’t draft another 5’9 wide receiver like my team did.

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By Far The Best Pregnancy Announcement You’ll Ever See

This video is hysterical. I’ll bet that you can’t sit there and not laugh at this. Easily wins Video Of The Month.

Ladies: Your Birthday Is Only One Day, Not One Week

I know I wrote something about the girls wearing those dumb ass tiara’s on their birthday, but this will concern the so called “birthday weekend”. The only time that it can be considered your birthday weekend is when you turn 21. That is the only exception, mainly because 21 is like the only birthday that matters. So if you are not turning 21, it is not your birthday weekend.

I bring this up because I was at a party last night and the last thing I remember before waking up on my lawn was that a girl, who happened to be a moose, was walking around in a stupid tiara telling everyone it was her birthday. Of course, I had to call her bluff. I asked, “Is it really your birthday?” She responded with, “We’ll my birthday was Wednesday, but I’m celebrating my birthday weekend.” I then asked her how old she was and she told me that she was 20.

This is not acceptable. First of all, your birthday was on Wednesday and it is now Friday. You can’t continue celebrating your 20th birthday, which happened to be on Wednesday; on a Friday night in someone’s house that no one knows who you are. Also, as I stated earlier, she was a moose. People don’t like unknown wild life roaming around their house. You need to recognize that and leave immediately.

Of course this girl starts pouring shots of tequila in the kitchen for her and her friends thinking she’s such a bad ass and making herself the center of attention. This also ended with her friends needing to call Triple A to tow her fat ass out of the house because there weren’t enough people to carry her. Nice job girl, you did a great job of looking classy.

Let this be a lesson to all you ladies who turn your birthday into a broadway production. Unless you’re 21, it’s not your birthday week or weekend. It is your birth DAY. It’s best you deal with that now rather than three years down the road.

Highlight Feature Of The Day: If She’s Texting You, It’s For A Reason

So today my highlight feature is going back on men and women issues because that was the first thing I thought about when I woke up this morning. Anyway, this deals with girls who text guys that they haven’t spoken to in a while. I’m not talking about someone who you were close friends with and suddenly stopped hanging out. I’m talking about someone who you used to hook up with and on a random night has texted you out of nowhere. Needless to say, it’s no accident.

The first reason she probably texted you is because you were probably good in bed, and she hasn’t gotten any in a while. She also knows that you will answer the text and try and hang out with her. That’s where her plan falls into place. You see her out, you’re both drunk, and next thing you know you two are back at your place ripping each other’s clothes off.

Another reason she has probably texted you is because you two didn’t end on bad terms, but she found out you’re now talking to someone else and she’s jealous. She’s texting you trying to make you think a little bit and second guess the girl you are currently talking to. If all goes according to plan, you speak at the bar for a span of two minutes. Then at the end of the night she texts you asking you to come over and you find your way there. Her plan the whole time was to get you back at her place without other people knowing about it. That way your roommates don’t find out and it’s just a little secret between the two of you.

Finally, she could just be texting you for a late night booty call. In this case you will receive the text between the time frame of 1:45 and 3am. She’s probably drunk, she knows you’re probably drunk, and you were the first person that popped into her head. She texts you, and there’s your booty call. It’s a done deal.

Who Gives A Rat’s Ass?

http://abcnews.go.com/International/Royal_Wedding/glitch-royal-wedding-fallen-horse/story?id=13481326

I tried very hard to stay away from it, I really did. But this news story in the link up top put me over the fucking edge. Can I ask who gives a fuck about the Royal Wedding? What effect does this have on your every day life that you actually give two shits about it? It has none, so stop talking about it. The Royal Wedding is more insignificant in America than hockey in the middle east. And the fucking case cracker, the link up top. “The only glitch in the Royal Wedding was a fallen horse during the parade”. Who gives a shit about a horse falling down during their wedding parade?! Enough with this, I’m sick of hearing about it. A news story about a horse falling down. You have to be shitting me. How about you give us a news story about why one gallon of gas costs more than a meal in New York City? Ever think of that idea, talking about something significant? No, we talk about shit happening in other countries and don’t stop talking about it for at least three months.

Giants and Jets First Round Picks

I’ll start with the Jets…

Muhammad Wilkerson DE Temple

This is a good pick for the Jets. Ellis is getting old and now this kid can come in and play right away. He’s a 3-4 Defensive End who can rush the passer as well as stuff the run. I hate the Jets, but they made a good pick.

Now to the Giants…

Prince Amukamara CB Nebraska

Jerry Reese did what he normally does and took the best available overall player. This is a good pick because the Giants secondary couldn’t cover receivers in a phone booth last season. I also like the pick because I would rather stick needles through my eyes than watch Aaron Ross play the nickel. Nice job, now please get an Offensive Lineman and a Linebacker who does more than play special teams.

Asshole Of The Day Award

http://blogs.miaminewtimes.com/riptide/2011/04/woman_busted_for_buying_prosti.php

How many things have you done wrong in your life that at 81 years old you ask your daughter to buy you a hooker for $20? First off, you’re not getting a hooker for $20 anywhere. Second, the fact that you’re making your daughter try and buy a hooker for you might be the most pathetic story I have ever heard. Besides, I didn’t even know men could still get it up at 81 years old. That’s an accomplishment in itself. Too bad he’ll only be getting it up for anal dwelling while he’s in jail. At 81, you can’t even run away from the dudes in the shower, you just have to sit there and take it. That sucks…